Last Friday, Gabrielle wrote about The Illusion of Control as her daughter Maude was in the hospital, and about how she (Gabby) sometimes turns to work when she needs a diversion from disillusionment …because, in her words…“I am in need of a distraction, and work is the only thing that sounds appealing, so I’m going to post a few things today to keep my head in a happy place and give me the illusion of a little bit of control over my life.”
I so get this. This also may explain why Gabby and I spent most of Sunday afternoon on Skype together. I needed some work therapy too.
In retrospect, I have, at different times, spent years (Literally. Years.) doing this exact thing…distracting myself in work. I’m still completely 100% prone to it, but now, I (at the very lamest least) see it happening and recognize what I’m doing. So it’s more of an aware choice that sleep living. But does this make it any better? Or way worse? Or is that really just a head-game way for me feel more in control of the collective non-control by being aware of the non-control? Jeez. Probably. (Also, I’m aware that non-control isn’t reeally the best word here, but the other options…helplessness, powerlessness, abandon, chance, neglect… are all super unappealing to me.) And now my head hurts.
And really, after all that meta rambling, the reality is: I just don’t know.
“Work is good. It will keep you out of the pool hall.” -Lora Harper (My grandmother)