No, Really. You Shouldn’t Have.

Photo from Martha Stewart dot com.

I know ‘tis the season and all. But it’s beginning to look a lot like we have an issue. And the issue is scary. Scary wrapped up. We’re only four days into the holiday gifting season and the scariness is already raising its scary bowtrimmed head. That’s right. I’m talking about Christmas gifts. And Christmas gifts should be sacred, not scary. Sacred!

And by sacred, I don’t mean this…

Exibit A. Coach Jesus.
This dandy porcelain item is only one in a series of extremely-white-Jesus-is-right-there-next-to-your-kids figurines.
Scared yet? Well then check this out…

Exibit B. Touchdown Jesus.
Oh and it gets worse.
Please visit Cochinillo Del Fuego to see the entire collection.
(It’s a must see. And don’t miss his hilarious commentary discussing both the theology and sports authenticity of the Good Shepherd statuettes.)

This is the kind of stuff the Padrino was talking about.

Please. Just. Say. No.

Tell you what. If you feel an undeniable urge to buy questionable crap, go ahead and get it out of your system. Buy it. And then send it to my fun friend Jenny. Because she will love it and squeeze it and call it George. (And maybe to Cindy too. Since she won Jenny’s weird contest and obviously appreciates all that is scary.)

But really now, do you give scary gifts? Does someone else you know and love give gifts that puzzle, frighten, or freak your freak and not in a good way?

On that note, Lady M mentioned that bad holiday gifts always make her think of the reindeer jumper that Mark Darcy received in Bridget Jones. A good point. But then I got distracted by the perfection that is Colin Firth and forgot what we were talking about.

And yes, that is a link to the Colin Firth motivational cards. So speaking of Christmas…

(Okay, yes, those technically fall solidly under rule number seven. But then, technically speaking, they’re not framed. And maybe it doesn’t count if you’re just being ironic… Then, technically, that’s okay. Or something.)

The Details

0 Responses to No, Really. You Shouldn’t Have.

  1. Super Zoe says:

    I am glad that you left Colin until the end…I had to REALLY refocus to get back on the blog!!

  2. jen says:

    wow…jesus is my coach. perfect.running off to purchase. i mean, wait, what the heck? make it stop.

  3. Leslie says:

    all i can say is wow about those jesus things. can you imagine seeing that in some kid's room??and i started reading those colin firth motivators until i realized there were like 4000 of them. nice.

  4. Bones says:

    does this mean that Jesus and Colin Firth share some sort of metaphsycial bond? I'll call Pope Ratzinger and start the paperwork for making him St. Colin.

  5. Kristen says:

    Good lord. I've seen those coach Jesus things before, but that "oh. wow." feeling never really goes away for me. Nice. (Hey, you should NOT have put the cool mom picks link on your site. I am supposed to be working here! I'm totally addicted to their never-ending recommendations! GAH!)

  6. Becky says:

    Oh my gosh. That someone went through the trouble to concoct those Colin Firth posters is truly scary.As for the "Jesus is right there" disasters, when I first saw them I thought they were the TLC Life Lessons figurines… Those make me laugh. Especially ones like "Merlot and E-mail don't mix", and "Dating is awkward, but so is becoming the crazy cat lady." Good stuff.

  7. emi lee says:

    Normally, I would be the first to say "you can never have too much Colin Firth." It is a sad, sad day, when I say…today…"too much Colin Firth." Yikes!

  8. Robyn says:

    My husband went to Bible school. We both serve as lay ministers in our church. I have been a children's pastor. But those Jesus coach figurines creep me the heck out.

  9. Jennifer says:

    Oh, so that's what the Superbowl winners mean when they thank Jesus after their win? He really is interested in the game! I never knew…

  10. mamatulip says:

    Jesus as a football coach?Now I have seen it all.

  11. shoparound says:

    I guess Jesus decided to not help me out in the sporting department. May you NEVER find that under your tree. Now Colin…..hmmm. ;) (Yep, even in the reindeer sweater his mother made him wear!)

  12. Girl con Queso says:

    Leslie, Becky, and EmiLee… that's exactly what I thought. And I'm absolutely shocked I experienced overdose. My tolerance is so freaking high. And Becky, the TLC Life Lessons figurines. Oh my got, hysterical! But please don't buy them. Because no matter how funny they are, they're figurines.

  13. mark says:

    Further evidence that Jesus can do anything – including sports and run for politics.

  14. Bek says:

    Those were all freakishly and awesomely scary.All of them…Have you seen this?http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.htmlalmost as awesome as the Colin Firth cards……

  15. Jenny says:

    I'm almost positive that you go to hell for tackling Jesus.I'm pretty sure that's outlined in the bible.

  16. Lady M says:

    OMG COLIN FIRTH posters! (Squealing)

  17. Eric says:

    What's with all the love for Colin Firth? What did I miss? I had no idea he had become Mr. Sexy for all you ladies. I mean, he WAS pretty hot in "Nanny McPhee," but still, it's not like he's David Hasselhoff or something. I always thought smart girls went for "The Hoff." I'm going to have to look into this further.

  18. -R- says:

    Conan O'Brien used to show those figurines a few years ago. Skiing Jesus is the best, in my opinion. What? You didn't know that Jesus loved to ski in his sandals?

  19. HB says:

    …the perfection that is Colin Firth.Amen to that! Even in the scary reindeer jumper.

  20. Becky says:

    Ooo… no. Never with the purchasing of the "figurine-y" items.Laughing at their existance is fine, but buying them? never ever ever.

  21. Suzanne says:

    Colin Firth could get away with any degree of ugly Christmas gifts! Those statues are beyond creepy.

  22. Bones says:

    KCG was trying to explain "comment jealousy" to me before I started blogging. I didnt understand what he was talking about. Now I do. 22(and counting) > 5

  23. Girl con Queso says:

    Bek, Oh dear. I remember when they advertised those on TV in the 1970s. Because I'm old and stuff.Eric, Don't Hassel the Hoff.Bones, I think the real key here is posting a photo of Colin Firth.

  24. mad muthas says:

    oh i've gone all trembly just gazing at those colin firth cards!

  25. Karmyn says:

    Dirty Uncle Mark sent me over. This post was one of his "memorable".Okay – you are now my best friend. A link with Colin Firth motivational posters. The world cannot get any better.

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