Deck the Friggin' Halls.

Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Maybe Lucy’s right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you’re the Charlie Browniest. – Linus

I think this is what they call Karma. Karma karma karma, biting me in my oh-so-sore body. If you’ll remember, only a few days ago I was all, ‘look at me, I’m the Mayor of Vacation Days. I have so much time. I have so much energy. I rule.’*

And today, I’m so tired that it is actually hurting my fingers to type. My fingers are creaky. My bones are squeeky. I’m tired and sore and exhausted in ways and in locations that I forgot existed. And sadly, that’s not near as fun as it might seem.

Because I’ve overindulged. I’m a glutton. I have absolutely put myself on overdrive and crashed into a wall.

It all started out innocently enough. I left my house only a little while after I pushed publish on that last rah-rah entry and went to the gym (good) and worked out (even better). I then showered, steamed, and got dressed for my massage and facial. Don’t I sound fancy? I’m currently hating my own guts, just recalling this.

After the luxury, I went to Whole Foods and spent a silly amount of money on a sandwich, some profanely dark chocolate, and a magazine. While I was blissfully reading, eating, sighing, singing, because little birds were circling around me singing and I hated for them to sing by themselves…it happened. I was rudely brought back to my life by a little girl no more than one, dressed all woolly and cute, and acting calmer than the Hurricane has been any moment of his entire life.

I was bamboozled by the cute baby.

She and her mom were being all leisurely together and I got sucked into their vortex…most likely because I was dehydrated from the massage or something… and I honestly and delusionally believed that the Hurricane and I could, no we should, no we must, leisurely spend the rest of the day together.

Now, if I’m being completely honest, I would not trade the rest of my day for anything. We didn’t have a leisurely lunch together, but we played and played and played full force. And sometime in those hours my focus shifted back to the little guy, back to the season, and back to how many friggin’ things that I needed to get done now, now now!

Look, Charlie, let’s face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It’s run by a big eastern syndicate, you know. –Lucy

I think now is the time to warn you that if I go into any real detail this post would win the obscenely detailed and boring award. So I’ll break it down. If you are a normal person and don’t care about the mundane navelgazing details of my life, feel free to skip this section. This section is mainly for people who like details and my mom.

  • Hauled all the many boxes out of the dungeon that is our garage.
  • Carried said boxes from garage to porch to appropriate rooms.
  • Cared for one-year-old, played with one-year-old, fed and bathed one-year-old, watched Baby Santa, put one-year-old to bed.
  • Started working on Christmas card list.
  • Made a bunch of iMixes.
  • Worked out.
  • Went to a fantastic Christmas tree lot to purchase real, not-pink, Christmas tree.
  • Went to Target in December with a one-year-old and no other adults around to help, only adults around to hurt and push and bang carts and fight over ornamentation and bobbles.
  • Trimmed tree.
  • Cared for one-year-old, played with one-year-old, fed and bathed one-year-old, watched Baby Santa, put one-year-old to bed.
  • Actually made a real dinner.
  • Untangled gigantic ball of lights.
  • Strung many many strands of untangled lights on tree.
  • Decorated tree with not as many breakables as usual.
  • Put garland up on hearth and around house, put wreaths up on doors around the house.
  • Wrote really detailed, technical and hard O&G overview brochure for very giant company.
  • Woke up with one-year-old at 4 a.m. for no apparent reason. Stayed awake trying to get screaming, talking, screaming, manipulating, screaming one-year-old back to bed. Around 5:30 a.m., declared a combination Cold War slash Martial Law and finally gave up and left screaming child in the screaming child room.
  • Went in for 8:30 a.m. status meeting. Worked all day. Came home.
  • Cared for one-year-old, played with one-year-old, fed and bathed one-year-old, watched Baby Santa, put one-year-old to bed.

It’s like my body was in superdrive. I was buzzing. And honestly, I’m really fun and sizzley and productive when I’m drunk on the busy juice.

But now I’m exhausted.

I’m completely hungover. Hungover from the busy, the movement, the activity.

And I’m sore as hell. Christmas tree trimming should be an Olympic sport. You hear that Fizz? Triathalon, schmiathalon. I have no idea what I’m talking about but I’m completely sure it’s nothing compared to putting up a tree con trimmings with a toddler on the loose.

And oh my gingko biloba, what I wouldn’t give to go back in time, push pause and move that massage into today, when I actually need it. Not want it. Well, yes, want it. But mostly and actually, require it. Medically require it.

I. Need.Treatment.**

But I’m considering this my wake-up call.

Just like I swear, I swear, I swear on those odd weekend mornings when the Hurricane arises at the dawn of crack, after I’ve had one too many of these…I swear I will never ever drink again.

It’s like that.

Only with the busy.

* Matt Damon story will come later this week, when it doesn’t hurt to type.

**Fa la la la la la la la la.

+Postage stamp image courtesy of the very great and very busy U.
S. Postal Service.

The Details

0 Responses to Deck the Friggin' Halls.

  1. Stephanie says:

    OH!! Feeling your pain! Overdid it at Dickens showing off the princess (who the hell do I think I am) and now I'm behind on everything and I don't think she and I will EVAH have one of those leisurely days together. She doesn't really do leisurely!But thank you for reminding me of all the things I have to do — really, this week!! Yikes!BTW, someday the Hurricaine is going to be looking at old photos and tell you, "Mom, you were so cool when I was little!! Crazy, but cool!!"

  2. Super Zoe says:

    Your whole post makes me glad that I am world-renowned for not being detail-oriented (except for reading; I read your whole Mom con Queso section.)Can I see the Hurricane when I come to town in 2 week?! He and I can marvel at your handiwork together…you know how I do love to do that.Sigh. Makes me miss the days when we spent 90 hours a week drunk on the busy juice…until we weren't.And you were going to be a florist.

  3. Suzanne says:

    Wow! That's more than I accomplish in a week!All you had to include in your list was "lights on tree" and I would have been impressed — that in and of itself is exhausting.

  4. Design Mom says:

    Go ahead and schedule a massage/facial for every day of December.

  5. sis-con-queso says:

    So I don't know how you got all the productive genes. I am definately the lazy one, just reading that blog makes me need a nap. I have two papers (big,scary ones) and too giant hairy exams and the house is a mess and i haven't cooked dinner in weeks and we don't even have kids yet. I'm very VERY impressed and this Christmas you should teach your little sister how to move from crazy/lazy to house-decorating,card-sending, light weilding productive member of society. As of now, guilt about not doing work hasn't actually been an effective motivation.

  6. sis of the the queso says:

    Also, is the "karma-karma-karma" sentence in that blog entry supposed to go to the tune of Karma Chameleon, because it totally works with it.

  7. Girl con Queso says:

    Red, gold, and green, baby.

  8. Bones says:

    Twelve drummers drumming, Eleven pipers piping, Ten lords a-leaping, Nine ladies dancing, Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And some bad karma in a real, not pink, christmas tree.Alex, I'll take Christmas for $100, please.

  9. Girl con Queso says:

    Bones, um, please don't hex my Christmas tree with your astrological bad karma hex. I'm trying to have the good karma. And the bad was on me, not the tree. So don't hex the tree. Step away from the tree.

  10. Eric says:

    Reading this post, it struck me how hard it must be to be a single mother. For you to have all those things to do, and to not have anyone to help you, that must be so hard. But it sounds like you are handling it well. I hope you are able to find a husband someday. Perhaps Matt Damon? Or maybe even Colin Firth?

  11. Girl con Queso says:

    Eric, I'm laughing out loud. I actually do have a husband. And he is really great. And he is so going to hear about how it doesn't seem that I do by all the stuff I just did. By myself. Not that he hasn't heard this already. See, there are elves and there are computer programmers…

  12. Girl con Queso says:

    Oh, Eric, now I get it. You're kidding. I'm obviously beyond tired. A little slow even. But don't worry, I'll take it all literally again when I relay the concern to my HcQ.

  13. emi lee says:

    Talking about Christmas reminds me of the time we electricuted you putting up our old fashioned, big bulb, multi colored lights when we were little. Remember that? Good times.

  14. lildb says:

    but I *like* the hot-pink tree.(if I had a basement, and that basement were carpeted on the walls as well as on the floor with a shag the color of flames, and a fancy, padded bar, and bean bags, and some vintage-y (seventies but made to look victorian) beer mirrors, and maybe a pool table, no, make that a billiard table, I would TOTALLY NEED the hot-pink tree. you can totally see it, too, can't you?)

  15. Jill says:

    Sorry for the Eric, GcQ. He does that all the time. People are never sure if he is serious or not. I'm always standing behind him mouthing "kidding – he's just kidding."That said, I would totally believe that you did all that without help from the husband. You're a wonder woman.

  16. Rhonda says:

    LOL on Eric's remark.I think I have seen that perfect mom and daughter out somewhere. Was she wearing a cute little outfit…and heels…and had every hair in place? I hate her. ha!

  17. Girl con Queso says:

    Jill, I'm so not a wonder woman. That's why I can't move now. But sadly, I did do all those busy items by myself. The HcQ does a lot and I mean a lot of really amazing things, but Christmas decorations are so not on the list. (He did put the angel on top of the tree though…love you honey.) So tell Eric McSmartyBritches he should just really be glad that you guys live so far away or you just might make him help me carry something heavy.

  18. LaLa says:

    Gah. Have you seen the UPSIDE DOWN Christmas Trees?

  19. Lady M says:

    That's a lot of activity!I really need a hot pink tree.

  20. LaLa says:

    And I forgot to say you really, really deserve a facial after that day! I had my brows waxed today and despite the pain and pink brow bones afterwards it really was rewarding!

  21. Jenny says:

    Oh yeah? Well I fell down the stairs this weekend and now I'm sore in places I didn't even know I had and I didn't even get any good quality time out of it. All I got was Hailey looking at me sprawled out on the floor, laughing her ass off like I was some episode of "Jackass" or something.And I didn't get a facial either so now I'm jealous *and* I have bad pores.

  22. Kristen says:

    This time of year is a killer. A buzz killer. GAH.

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