1. I’m sitting at the bar in my mom and dad’s kitchen, while my mom is making bacon. I may never leave this place. Or, I may leave in just a few hours because my body can no longer take the massive amounts of food that’s been served since we arrived here on Monday. Seriously. Six days and five nights. They should have a shuttle queued up to take you straight to an angioplasty clinic.
2. My sister is sitting next to me. She’s 30. On this trip, Harry decided to address her as Shermy. Her name is not Shermy.
3. My dad is wearing a “Mason Punchers” T-shirt. Mason is an obscure town in the middle of Texas. The Punchers are their football team. We know no one in Mason. My dad knows every football team mascot in the state. I’m not even kidding. Try him.
4. My brother-in-law is hiding in the back room. He’s reading about Augustine of Hippo. He’s smart. Mainly because he’s hiding.
5. My brother, sister-in-law, and nieces, Hannah and Harper, do not stay here, but instead, stay at their own home. They are also smart. There were a lot of commas in the first sentence. I’m not sure I did that right.
6. My dad says eggs like “ayyggs.”
7. James is watching Manchester United play Portsmouth in the living room. They’re not actually in the living room. They’re in England. He’s watching them on TV.
8. Harry is coloring on the floor. He’s not actually coloring on the floor. He’s coloring on paper. He says he’s drawing hearts and dinosaurs, but they look like purple lines to me. This is exactly how I feel in the Cy Twombly gallery.
9. I just told my dad that we might move in with him. He looked at me with love in his eyes and said, “No way in hell.”
10. We’re leaving in a few hours.