On Sunday, I went to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One with Jenny and Maile. Yes. We did. Along with 84 kabillion other people, we made the people involved about $140 million this weekend. Which is especially crazy because this movie was terrible. Terrible. And I’m not picky about movies. But besides Happy Feet 2 (which was either a brilliant metaphor for something I totally don’t get, or it’s the worst movie ever), it’s the worst movie I’ve seen this week.
1. Kristen or Kristin or Krystyn or whatever her name is (I don’t even care enough to look it up) / Bella is completely annoying. To be fair, the character in the book was exceptionally annoying as well. So she’s being faithful to the material and all that…but this actress turns it up to 11. And since the entire premise of the book is that four men are body slamming themselves for this chick and willing to give up their glamorous vampire and/or warewolf lives for her…I’m just seriously missing something here. Maybe it’s some weird guy thing. Not sure. Also, as every media outlet on the planet wants you to know, she dates that hottie kid Cedric Diggory in real life, so this is doubly confusing. Either I seriously don’t get dudes, or she’s a total beard and he’ll be out in five years or less. However, on the other hand and as you may know, she’s fantastic at public speaking. So there’s that. In fact, she even has an instructional video on this topic…
2. There’s an entire scene where the Werewolves are talking. Like a long, dramatic scene. Of wolves talking. About their feelings. If you are human, this is hilarious. I guess if you are a wolf, this is some kind of Rosebud moment. Not sure. I get that there are rarely great parts in films for warewolves, so this is a giant big deal for them. But speaking as a judgy human, ANNOYING!
3. There are three scenes segments (no really, three) featuring the inside circulation of Bella’s body. Even her blood vessels are annoying. It was basically the old Magic School bus inside the body cartoon. But painstakingly created in fancy CG to be a long transformation segment, prominently featured three times! Because two inside-the-human-body animations just aren’t enough.
I’m looking shocked. But only at how dumb this movie was. On the other hand, that shouldn’t be shocking at all. What is wrong with me?
The only redeeming parts about this movie:
1. This movie should for sure encourage any human teenage girl to always use a condom. Even with Cedric Diggory.
2. I went dressed as a vampire and Jenny wore an actual wolf. An actual wolf. On her head.
So that was good.