And Then I Went to See Twilight with a Wolf.

November 24, 2011

On Sunday, I went to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One with Jenny and Maile. Yes. We did. Along with 84 kabillion other people, we made the people involved about $140 million this weekend. Which is especially crazy because this movie was terrible. Terrible. And I’m not picky about movies. But besides Happy Feet 2 (which was either a brilliant metaphor for something I totally don’t get, or it’s the worst movie ever), it’s the worst movie I’ve seen this week.

For starters:

1. Kristen or Kristin or Krystyn or whatever her name is (I don’t even care enough to look it up) / Bella is completely annoying. To be fair, the character in the book was exceptionally annoying as well. So she’s being faithful to the material and all that…but this actress turns it up to 11. And since the entire premise of the book is that four men are body slamming themselves for this chick and willing to give up their glamorous vampire and/or warewolf lives for her…I’m just seriously missing something here. Maybe it’s some weird guy thing. Not sure. Also, as every media outlet on the planet wants you to know, she dates that hottie kid Cedric Diggory in real life, so this is doubly confusing. Either I seriously don’t get dudes, or she’s a total beard and he’ll be out in five years or less. However, on the other hand and as you may know, she’s fantastic at public speaking. So there’s that. In fact, she even has an instructional video on this topic…

2. There’s an entire scene where the Werewolves are talking. Like a long, dramatic scene. Of wolves talking. About their feelings. If you are human, this is hilarious. I guess if you are a wolf, this is some kind of Rosebud moment. Not sure. I get that there are rarely great parts in films for warewolves, so this is a giant big deal for them. But speaking as a judgy human, ANNOYING!

3. There are three scenes segments (no really, three) featuring the inside circulation of Bella’s body. Even her blood vessels are annoying. It was basically the old Magic School bus inside the body cartoon. But painstakingly created in fancy CG to be a long transformation segment, prominently featured three times! Because two inside-the-human-body animations just aren’t enough.

I’m looking shocked. But only at how dumb this movie was. On the other hand, that shouldn’t be shocking at all. What is wrong with me?

The only redeeming parts about this movie:

1. This movie should for sure encourage any human teenage girl to always use a condom. Even with Cedric Diggory.

2. I went dressed as a vampire and Jenny wore an actual wolf. An actual wolf. On her head.

So that was good.


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  • Reply elz November 24, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Awesome movie review. I have never understood Twilight for the reasons you listed (among others), why is everyone falling over themselves for the moody loner chick? At least Buffy was pretty, kick ass, and friendly!

  • Reply Leslie November 24, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Laura, You look amazing as a vampire!!! And I thought Jenny was kidding about the wolf skin, but I should know better by now. Jenny doesn’t about these kind of things, does she? Glad she is feeling better. These pictures are FANTASTIC! Well done Maile! I actually didn’t realize at first that it was you and Jenny. So cool. Love you guys.

  • Reply Kristen Howerton November 25, 2011 at 12:44 am

    I freaking CANNOT WAIT to hate the shit out of this movie.

  • Reply sp November 25, 2011 at 2:57 am

    there’s a great review about the movie on the hairpin, in that the review itself is thoughtful and smart, although i feel that speaks more about the reviewer than the movie itself:

    i think she is finding much more value than the movie really has. whereas your review touches upon the movie’s real value – the opportunity to pose in costume outside the movie theaters. those are some amazing pictures.

  • Reply mousebert November 25, 2011 at 9:20 am

    I am confused by the photo. To begin with, if the place was so crowded, why is it that the only two people sitting are you and Jenny. It must have been bad if everyone left; I can see one leaving in the photo.

    Also, I would think there would be a rule against flash photography, or even cameras in the theater.

    You guys must really drink fast

  • Reply Allison Allen November 26, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    where DID she get that wolf head? I have to have one.

  • Reply barchbo November 28, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Thanks for reminding me why I have no interest in TWILIGHT at all.

    You two are the only thing making me interested in going to see this movie at all! You are so Twilight-chic!

  • Reply Melanie November 28, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    This is one of the most hilarious things ever! I wish I could hang out with you guys.

  • Reply Gina aka Slappy November 28, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    That Kirsten, Kristen, whatever the hell her name is chick just proves that money cannot buy good posture. For the love of God and all that is holy …. STAND UP STRAIGHT !!!

  • Reply Carrie November 30, 2011 at 9:28 am

    The two of you are my double heroes!

  • Reply Emi Lee November 30, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    You make me laugh.

  • Reply Jen December 1, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Bahahahahahhahahaha. Ha!

  • Reply Mya Maternity December 14, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    That is just too funny. Love the costumes.

  • Reply The Red Dress Project. | Blog con Queso January 3, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    […] make her (and others) furiously happy. You probably know about  our Beyonce adventure. And the Twilight wolf costume dance off. And her ongoing Wil Wheaton collating responses.  And the time she and her readers saved […]

  • Reply cody January 3, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    in regards to point number one:

    Asking why men act like women in a book written by a women, is kind of like asking why women in porn act like men.

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